You know you're a pathetic cog in the corporate machine when...

...the low point in your workday is the realization that they've replaced the bendy straws with regular, straight straws.

Sigh. I am Milton.

keep moving forward

So, I'm up way too late on a school night again, and am feeling the need to update. Here, in no particular order, are some update-y-ish items:

Weight loss: I've lost 16.1 pounds so far. I'm about halfway to my goal. Yay :)

Movies: We saw Meet the Robinsons on Friday. Very cute movie. I walked away from it with some deep thoughts (surprise, surprise...ISTJ/melancholy me thinking deeply about a freaking Disney movie...). One of the themes of the movie had to do with failure--how you view it, whether you choose to dwell in the past or look ahead and move forward. In one of the scenes, the little orphan boy main character has one of his inventions blow up in his face (something which, incidentally, had happened earlier in the movie and resulted in prospective parents rejecting him as an adoption candidate. Talk about having an event trigger memories of rejection and painful feelings about one's self worth!).

The second time this happens, however, the family around him erupts in cheering and applause. I think one of them even says, "You failed!! That's wonderful!!" Being a family of inventors, they had learned from experience that it had taken many failures for them to learn all they needed to learn to finally succeed. And so, from their perspective, failure was a necessary (and even good) part of the whole process. I think I started to tear up during that part, and again at the end when the little orphan boy starts to put the pieces together and see how the "keep moving forward" theme applies to his own little life. His little life that he, at the beginning, views as insignificant, but by the end views very differently.

I've been pondering this quite a bit, as it relates to my own life. My own fears of failure (which have lessened a lot over the past couple years, but are still very much there). My own tendencies to want to quit if something doesn't come easily immediately. My own instincts to run and hide when my weaknesses are displayed for the world to see. I think of Paul, who thanked God for his weaknesses. Who, after decades of painful maturity, finally began to put the pieces together and see his failures as a necessary (and good) part of the whole, wonderful, beautiful process.

I think I want that.

Well, maybe that's all for tonight. I'm not good at bullet points. They always turn into paragraphs.

Grammar, shmammar

So, I just got back from grammar class and my mind is racing like crazy (probably due to the coffee I sucked down before class, in hopes of jolting my sleepy brain. It definitely worked. And then some.). Now I'm just killing time before Lost starts (since I'll apparently have NO trouble staying awake for it tonight).

It's so fun to be a student again! Tonight as Shannon, DeAnna, and I walked into the building, we marveled at how "it even smells like college!" Our teacher is a linguist, so by nature she approaches English more as a "botanist" than as a "gardener" (this is how my college grammar teacher described the difference between a linguist/descriptivist and a grammarian/prescriptivist--one notes observations, while the other makes value judgments). I liked that about her. As much as I love rules and grammar snobbery, life keeps teaching me that there are a lot more shades of gray in the world than I'd like to think, and I'm realizing that it's healthy to approach situations this way. Even situations that seem to be very black and white. Grammar. Spirituality. Etc. (Not that I'm a relativist, by any stretch. Seeing the world as only shades of gray is just as naive, I think.)

Well, that's about all I have the attention span for tonight. I now need to search through my wedding photos to send some to my brother. This is Derek, the artist. (I have three brothers: the rapper, the father, and the artist. Scott, Brian, and Derek, respectively) He's entering a couple of art fairs this summer and wants to paint one of our wedding. How sweet :)

Later, gators.

"What I thought I wanted...

...what I got instead
leaves me broken
yet grateful." - Sara Groves

I remember posting about this song a few months ago, during the whole cubicle-to-pod transition, when I was struggling with unmet expectations.

And now here I am--months later, different situation(s)--and the struggle continues.

Once upon a time, my friend Martha told me, "Sometimes we don't even realize we have expectations until they aren't met and we end up disappointed or frustrated and can't figure out why."

For example, I didn't realize I was missing my dad until he reappeared and I found myself feeling sad and frustrated with him for not being what I wish he could be.

What I thought I wanted...what I got instead...

What I didn't even know I wanted, until I got something else instead.

So where do I go with this? My heart has been feeling pretty broken, but how do you get to the "grateful" part?

I don't know, exactly. Still trying to figure that out. However, even in the midst of looking for answers, God has been gently nudging me back to a truth he's already shown me a hundred different times through a hundred different situations...the truth that only he can meet my needs...that only he can love me perfectly...and the truth that, if I'll throw my chips in and let him prove that to me, I won't be disappointed...and, ironically, my relationships with people will be even more enjoyable and more satisfying than they could ever be when I'm pushing and pulling and demanding and whining.

There's something about this that brings an indescribable sense of relief. And yeah, I guess gratitude.
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On a completely unrelated note...I tried a new tea today--Tazo sweet cinnamon and spice (or something like that). Ick. Stay away. It sounds good, but don't be fooled, unless your favorite type of tea is nas-tea.

song in my head (warning: explicit lyrics)

I must admit, I have no idea what this song is supposed to mean, but it's been playing nonstop in my car these days. The chorus seems to express so much of what I've been feeling lately, in many different situations. If the f-word offends you, I apologize. However, even that part has seemed appropriate lately in a few situations. Sorry my thoughts are so scattered, but here you go.

Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole (by Martha Wainwright)

Poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore
And I'm young & I'm strong
But I feel old and tired
Overfired

And I've been poked and stoked
It's all smoke, there's no more fire
Only desire
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are

You say my time here has been some sort of joke
That I've been messing around
Some sort of incubating period
For when I really come around
I'm cracking up
And you have no idea

No idea how it feels to be on your own
In your own home
with the fucking phone
And the mother of gloom
In your bedroom
Standing over your head
With her hand in your head
With her hand in your head

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

Oh I wish I wish I wish I was born a man
So I could learn how to stand up for myself
Like those guys with guitars
I've been watching in bars
Who've been stamping their feet to a different beat
To a different beat
To a different beat

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

You bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody...

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are

daddy/daughter stuff

talked to my dad for the first time in 18 (19?) years

1988

So much has changed since then.

never anticipated so much would feel the same

never anticipated feeling...anything

especially this.

still processing.

need to sleep on it.

word game

Try this game, if you dare.

I got stuck on the 9th one. If you get past it, let me know. I think I need a hint.

midwest weather, new (old) clothes, and little babies

(You can call me "Charlie Dodrill blogger wannabe"--CDBW for short)

Um, so on Wednesday I was running outside at the park (temp was in the 70s), then Thursday and today it's snowing. I just love Ohio.

On a completely unrelated note...This weight loss thing has been such an emotional roller coaster. Last week I weighed in and hadn't lost anything (hadn't gained, either, but who looks at the glass half full? Certainly not me.), which sent me into a pretty deep funk that lasted until I weighed in yesterday and discovered I was 3.6 lbs lighter. What? Now I'm skipping and smiling. I bought a new pair of work pants yesterday, and had to get a size smaller than I was expecting (two sizes smaller than what I had been wearing), which just made me feel even giddier.

Now today, on a whim, I went to my closet and tried on some old jeans (which I've been trying on periodically throughout the past couple months, each time only to be disappointed to discover I couldn't even get them past my hips), and lo and behold, they fit! And not even in a suck-in-your-gut-and-don't-breathe-while-they're-buttoned way, but in a legitimate, wearable way! I'm positively elated. I don't understand how something as temporal and external as this can affect my mood so much, but I'm not going to spend too much time pondering that one. Today is a happy day. :)

Tomorrow, Craig and I are driving up to Toledo to see my family. Okay, well, we're really driving up to see the new nephew, but getting to see other family is a bonus. Noah is home at last (they brought him home last Saturday). Now if only I can get my butt (my now much smaller butt) in gear and finish sewing his curtains before we leave...

So, anyway. Enough blogging for now--I have curtains to finish.

the blue ribbon

Guess who has lost 12 pounds? Me. Oh yeah.

I got the 10-lb-loser ribbon today. Ribbons make me happy :)

Are you stupid?

I just logged into myspace, and the random ad that popped up said something to the effect of: "Are you stupid? Click here to take the quiz!"

I think they officially have a quiz for everything. God bless America.

baby picture, random deep thoughts, new shoes

(How do you like my Charlie Dodrill-esque blog title, eh?)

Sorry for taking so long to deliver the promised picture, but here is my beautiful little nephew:











His first week in the world has been kind of rough, but all things considered, he's doing pretty well. His blood sugar has been low, so he's had to endure IVs and a feeding tube, but he's now eating on his own pretty well, and he'll probably get to go home this weekend. Kudos to Brian and Sam. For being so young, they've been taking everything in stride, more or less, and I think they're going to be great parents. (Have I mentioned that I'm freaking proud of my baby brother?)

In other news, here's some random stuff:

• Headaches suck.

• Sometimes I have to learn the same lesson all over again, even after I think I've "arrived."

• Other people have a lot more to teach me than I give them credit for.

• Regardless of how many things demand my attention in a given day, regardless of the feelings of urgency they can spark in me, there are very few things that really (really) matter in the long term and in the big picture.

• New shoes are awesome. Especially when you get a good deal on them. Free ones would be pretty sweet too, but I'll settle for a good deal (like when the online store accidentally gives you the shoes for free, but your wonderful work friends help you see the light and encourage you to do the right thing and pay for them. Sigh.). What's that proverb? Better to get a good deal on shoes and sleep peacefully than to steal them and have no rest? No, wait, I just made that up.

Okay, this is long enough. Now I have to go watch last week's Desperate Housewives that I missed and go to bed.

Baby Noah is almost here!

Sam's in labor! My little nephew will be here any time now.

I just talked to Brian, and he sounds amazingly go-with-the flow about being a dad any minute now. He's grown up so much. I'm so proud of my baby brother.

I'm heading up there sometime Sunday. Expect a full report and lots of cute pictures when I return.

The tomb of J...whose?

(That was my silly little attempt at a play on words. I'm sorry, I'm no Libby.)

I don't like to get into debates or any kind of controversy, really. In fact, I pretty much like to steer clear of anything uncomfortable or divisive.

This, however, is just a little important.

It seems that some Hollywood people (that's right, not scientists) are making a documentary about these tombs that they say contain the remains of Jesus (along with Mary Magdalene and a kid they allegedly had together).

It's The DaVinci Code meets James Cameron meets some skeptical archaeologists.

Some facts to consider if you're tempted to buy into this:

• This is not a recent discovery. These tombs were discovered in 1980, which means this news is as old as I am. To watch the news, you'd think this happened yesterday and is a groundbreaking discovery. If the scientists didn't draw these conclusions 26 years ago, one should wonder why it took a millionaire producer and his director to connect the dots now.

• The archaeologist who originally uncovered the tombs is disputing the conclusions the Hollywood people are drawing from his findings. He says that the claims of James Cameron and the makers of this new documentary (that these are the remains of Jesus) "are unfounded." The names on the tombs were quite common at the time.

• The makers of the documentary claim that they have "DNA evidence" linking these remains to Jesus Christ. However, it remains unclear what secondary DNA source (besides the bones in the tomb) they are using to make the connection. (As far as I know, there aren't any 2000-year-old blood samples labeled "Jesus of Nazareth" that they can use as a reference point.)

I could keep going, but I won't. The point is, this documentary is more about sensationalism and making money than it is about looking honestly and impartially at the facts and drawing a logical conclusion.

This whole thing is making the news because it claims to be evidence that Jesus didn't raise from the dead. Does that matter? Yeah, it does. (I could go into all the lines of evidence and reasoning that support Christ's bodily resurrection, but that's another blog for another day.)

I know how much easier it is to be spoon-fed what to believe, but it's worth it to do your homework before swallowing this crap for breakfast.

In conclusion, here's my favorite quote from a CNN.com article:

"The fact that [the 1980 archaeological finding] has been ignored tells you something," said Dever, professor emeritus at the University of Arizona. "It would be amusing if it didn't mislead so many people."

listen

If the video won't work for you, you can go to my myspace profile and listen to it there.

Reasons Why

I've been listening to this song a lot lately. It seems to echo some of my recent experiences, as well as those of some friends.

It's funny how we can be going along, thinking everything's fine, and then all of a sudden wake up one day and think, "Whoa! How'd I get here? This is not where I want to be."

We've all been there. But I think it's one thing to come to that realization, and an entirely different thing to come to that realization and then make excuses to stay there.

But I've done that, too. I'm trying to get back to where I want to be, but I can so relate to the self-deceived apathy in this song. (And if the grammar problem of the title bothers you, it bothered me too at first. You'll get over it, too.)

(I'm not sure if the video thing is going to work or not, but regardless, I put the lyrics underneath.)

Nickel Creek Music Video Codes

Now Playing: Nickel Creek - Reasons Why

Brought you by: Music Codes

Where am I today? I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this short of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why

We get distracted by dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

[Bridge:]
With so much deception it's hard not to wander away
It's hard not to wander away
It's hard not to wander away

Progress

6.5 pounds in three weeks.

I can once again fit into some clothes that had become obscenely unwearable.

It's working, and I'm happy.

faithful (adjective)

Main Entry: faith·ful
Function: adjective
Date: 14th century
1 obsolete : full of faith
2 : steadfast in affection or allegiance : LOYAL
3 : firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty : CONSCIENTIOUS
4 : given with strong assurance : BINDING [a faithful promise]
5 : true to the facts, to a standard, or to an original [a faithful copy]

So I'm learning a lot lately about what this means. Hanging in there. Sticking it out. With friends, with work. In the relationship arena, it's teaching me a lot about God and what he's like. What it looks like when he is faithful. When he hangs in there and sticks it out. With me.

I reread this recently. This story has stuck in my brain and forever seared a visual there--a picture of faithfulness.

"My publisher told me the story of a summer afternoon when he was driving along the New Jersey Turnpike. One hundred yards ahead in the same lane was a Lincoln Town Car. Tom was shocked when he saw the right rear door of the Lincoln, still moving at full speed, swing open. The passenger threw a collie onto the pavement. The dog hit the concrete and rolled into a ditch. Bleeding profusely, the collie got up and started to run after the car and the owner who had cruelly abandoned him. His relentless faithfulness was not conditioned or diminished by the abuse and callous disregard of his master.

The dogged fidelity of Jesus in the face of our indifference to his affection and our ingratitude for his faithfulness...is a mystery of such mind-bending magnitude that the intellect buckles and theology bows in its presence. Humbly acknowledging our limitations, we are driven to the fervent prayer, 'Lord, I do believe! Help my lack of trust.'" (Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust)

That's crazy. Insane, even. Who would suffer that kind of treatment and remain loyal? No one with half a brain.

Still, that's who God is. Sometimes I think he's crazy, but I'm grateful. And somehow, it makes me want to do the same. To love people the same way. In a crazy, stupid way. Because it's kind of beautiful, but also because I almost feel like I have no other choice. I mean, I do, but I sometimes feel so grateful it's like I can't not try (in my ridiculous, fumbling attempts) to give it away. So yeah, I'm learning a little more what it looks like, and feeling more compelled.

ack, blogger has forced me to upgrade

So fine. They made me upgrade. They'd better not make me regret it. (I like "old" blogger!)

Ew

Being sick is awful. I thought I was doing so well about being healthy--eating well, exercising, cutting out unhealthy habits--and yet, my stomach is very angry with me today. I got sick at work this morning (and I don't just mean feeling sick at work...I mean getting sick...possibly one of the most disgusting experiences of my life).

So right now I'm drinking some sleepytime tea and trying to go to bed so I'll feel better for tomorrow. Beth is coming to town, and we have plans, and no sickness is going to get in the way, darnit!

Oh, and sidenote--does anyone know where I can find edamame at the grocery store? Is it just with the produce, or is it someplace special?

Goodbye, Betsy

After 20 years and 180,000+ miles, Betsy Jane was finally laid to rest yesterday, February 3rd, 2007. She was good to me--in the seven years I had her, she never left me stranded anywhere. Sure, something under the hood has been smoking for the past few years...and after driving her, you'd smell a bit like burning oil...and at the end, nothing but a piece of wire kept her rear bumper from falling off...and the muffler (long since rendered useless) swayed a bit in the breeze...and she wouldn't start without a jump...sure, she would never pass an emissions test if her life depended on it, and she didn't have a rear view mirror anymore (although if you angled the passenger sun visor just right, you could use that little mirror to see out the back window), and the little knobs that controlled the heat had long ago stopped sliding back and forth...in spite of all these things, she still has a special place in my heart, and I grieved a little for having to give her up.

Rest in peace, Betsy. You were a good girl.














Betsy Jane, 1987-2007