song in my head (warning: explicit lyrics)

I must admit, I have no idea what this song is supposed to mean, but it's been playing nonstop in my car these days. The chorus seems to express so much of what I've been feeling lately, in many different situations. If the f-word offends you, I apologize. However, even that part has seemed appropriate lately in a few situations. Sorry my thoughts are so scattered, but here you go.

Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole (by Martha Wainwright)

Poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore
And I'm young & I'm strong
But I feel old and tired
Overfired

And I've been poked and stoked
It's all smoke, there's no more fire
Only desire
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are

You say my time here has been some sort of joke
That I've been messing around
Some sort of incubating period
For when I really come around
I'm cracking up
And you have no idea

No idea how it feels to be on your own
In your own home
with the fucking phone
And the mother of gloom
In your bedroom
Standing over your head
With her hand in your head
With her hand in your head

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

Oh I wish I wish I wish I was born a man
So I could learn how to stand up for myself
Like those guys with guitars
I've been watching in bars
Who've been stamping their feet to a different beat
To a different beat
To a different beat

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

You bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody...

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are

daddy/daughter stuff

talked to my dad for the first time in 18 (19?) years

1988

So much has changed since then.

never anticipated so much would feel the same

never anticipated feeling...anything

especially this.

still processing.

need to sleep on it.

word game

Try this game, if you dare.

I got stuck on the 9th one. If you get past it, let me know. I think I need a hint.

midwest weather, new (old) clothes, and little babies

(You can call me "Charlie Dodrill blogger wannabe"--CDBW for short)

Um, so on Wednesday I was running outside at the park (temp was in the 70s), then Thursday and today it's snowing. I just love Ohio.

On a completely unrelated note...This weight loss thing has been such an emotional roller coaster. Last week I weighed in and hadn't lost anything (hadn't gained, either, but who looks at the glass half full? Certainly not me.), which sent me into a pretty deep funk that lasted until I weighed in yesterday and discovered I was 3.6 lbs lighter. What? Now I'm skipping and smiling. I bought a new pair of work pants yesterday, and had to get a size smaller than I was expecting (two sizes smaller than what I had been wearing), which just made me feel even giddier.

Now today, on a whim, I went to my closet and tried on some old jeans (which I've been trying on periodically throughout the past couple months, each time only to be disappointed to discover I couldn't even get them past my hips), and lo and behold, they fit! And not even in a suck-in-your-gut-and-don't-breathe-while-they're-buttoned way, but in a legitimate, wearable way! I'm positively elated. I don't understand how something as temporal and external as this can affect my mood so much, but I'm not going to spend too much time pondering that one. Today is a happy day. :)

Tomorrow, Craig and I are driving up to Toledo to see my family. Okay, well, we're really driving up to see the new nephew, but getting to see other family is a bonus. Noah is home at last (they brought him home last Saturday). Now if only I can get my butt (my now much smaller butt) in gear and finish sewing his curtains before we leave...

So, anyway. Enough blogging for now--I have curtains to finish.

the blue ribbon

Guess who has lost 12 pounds? Me. Oh yeah.

I got the 10-lb-loser ribbon today. Ribbons make me happy :)

Are you stupid?

I just logged into myspace, and the random ad that popped up said something to the effect of: "Are you stupid? Click here to take the quiz!"

I think they officially have a quiz for everything. God bless America.

baby picture, random deep thoughts, new shoes

(How do you like my Charlie Dodrill-esque blog title, eh?)

Sorry for taking so long to deliver the promised picture, but here is my beautiful little nephew:











His first week in the world has been kind of rough, but all things considered, he's doing pretty well. His blood sugar has been low, so he's had to endure IVs and a feeding tube, but he's now eating on his own pretty well, and he'll probably get to go home this weekend. Kudos to Brian and Sam. For being so young, they've been taking everything in stride, more or less, and I think they're going to be great parents. (Have I mentioned that I'm freaking proud of my baby brother?)

In other news, here's some random stuff:

• Headaches suck.

• Sometimes I have to learn the same lesson all over again, even after I think I've "arrived."

• Other people have a lot more to teach me than I give them credit for.

• Regardless of how many things demand my attention in a given day, regardless of the feelings of urgency they can spark in me, there are very few things that really (really) matter in the long term and in the big picture.

• New shoes are awesome. Especially when you get a good deal on them. Free ones would be pretty sweet too, but I'll settle for a good deal (like when the online store accidentally gives you the shoes for free, but your wonderful work friends help you see the light and encourage you to do the right thing and pay for them. Sigh.). What's that proverb? Better to get a good deal on shoes and sleep peacefully than to steal them and have no rest? No, wait, I just made that up.

Okay, this is long enough. Now I have to go watch last week's Desperate Housewives that I missed and go to bed.

Baby Noah is almost here!

Sam's in labor! My little nephew will be here any time now.

I just talked to Brian, and he sounds amazingly go-with-the flow about being a dad any minute now. He's grown up so much. I'm so proud of my baby brother.

I'm heading up there sometime Sunday. Expect a full report and lots of cute pictures when I return.