phone call

So I got the phone call.

Seems like things should be clear.

So why do they feel more confusing than ever?

junk, comfort, and pressing on

So it's time to quote Josh's blog again.

This is from a Starbuck's cup:

The Way I See It #70
It's difficult for people to get rid of junk. They get attached to things and let them define who they are. If there's one thing I've learned in this business, it's that you are what you can't let go of."
-Brian Scudamore, Founder/CEO of 1-800-GOT-JUNK?

I read this blog almost a month ago when he first posted it (*ahem* time to update your blog mister *ahem*), but for some reason it struck me in a new way this morning. I've been struggling lately with feeling pretty blah about life. I've been in functional-mode for awhile, and struggling with not knowing how to get out of it. Part of the problem, I think, is my attachment to comfort. Most of the time I'd rather be comfortable than anything else. So, over the long run, I get exactly what I want, eh? A life that's comfortable, but fairly blah. In my heart, I want more than this, but when it comes to my moment-by-moment choices, I usually opt to just stay where I am. Because it's easier. Because it's comfortable. I'd rather hold onto junk than give it up for something better.

I feel like Sara Groves in that song "Painting Pictures of Egypt":

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart
And familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom and now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the promise and the things I know

I just thought of a verse in Philippians that's part of tomorrow night's Bible study passage: "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." (3:12) Wow. I really love the way Paul says that. Not just pressing on for the sake of pressing on, as though perseverence is a virtue in its own right, and an end in itself. No--he's pressing on to take hold of something...and that something is the very thing for which Christ took hold of him. It's as though he's saying, "Christ thought I was worth fighting for, so I'm going to fight too. He gave his all so that I could have heaven...so that I could have eternal life. So I guess I can give my all for that same purpose." (note: I'm nothing close to a Bible scholar, so I don't even know if that's a correct interpretation, so take it with a layman's grain of salt, 'kay?) That's pretty motivating.

I don't really have a big conclusion, so I'm not sure how to end this. I'll probably always struggle w/ my laziness and desire for comfort, but it's cool to know that God gives me another option, and that he gives me a model and a goal for pressing on. I can reminisce about "Egypt" forever if I want to, but there's a promise ahead of me if I'm willing to pursue it. Pretty sweet.

Today has been pretty quiet. I've been feeling pretty functional lately, but I just got caught up on reading everyone's blogs, and now I'm feeling contemplative. I'm still waiting for a phone call (seems like I'm always waiting these days). I'm kind of tired of waiting. And while I'm really dreading the conversation that will need to happen after that phone call comes, I am (for the moment) done obsessing over what I will say.

I was just thinking about how I used to be a grammar nazi. A crazy, anal grammar nerd. Words were an integral part of me--they were what I did and what I loved. It's sad (and a bit scary) to notice that slipping away. Shannon correcting my grammar. Not that I mind being corrected, but it is eye-opening to realize that something that used to come naturally to me, used to be instinctual, now takes effort. That really bothers me.

I have never been a big fan of change. Especially being in this in-between place. But I have a good feeling about this potential new chapter. Especially the possibility of reclaiming my title of psycho grammar girl. Blowing the dust off of my Chicago Manual of Style and uncapping my red pen. I want typos to tremble in fear when they see me coming. I want to see terror in the eyes of misplaced modifiers. I want disagreeing subjects and verbs to stop dead in their tracks, knowing they've been caught and that there's nowhere to run.

But I have some studying to do first. And there's still that phone call.

Why the McGraw-Hill maintenance people hate us

Because

when we do birthdays,
we do them all the way.
Happy birthday, Teresa!

Feelings

Am I emotional? Not sure. For the longest time, I would have said "no," but I'm starting to wonder. I've always felt that my emotional reactions to crises are sometimes disconnected and distant. "Cool-headed" and "logical," even. Really, though? Maybe "numb" is a better word for it.

I read this in Running With Scissors, a memoir I recently finished. I almost cried, it sounded so familiar (see, I am emotional!):

"My face became like the heating coil on the stove, and I trembled
with hatred. And then just as suddenly, I felt absolutely nothing. It was
like a door quickly opened, showing me what horrible feelings I had inside,
and then slammed shut again so I wouldn't have to actually face them. In
many ways I felt I was living the life of a doctor in the ER. I was
learning to block out all emotions in order to deal with the situation.
Whether that situation involved a mother who was constantly having
nervous breakdowns or the death of the family cat by laundry hamper."

I don't mean to overdramatize, but this gave me some insight into how I sometimes feel (or don't feel, whatever the case may be). Eye-opening.

great weekend

What relaxing and much-needed weekend. I think I've shaken this funk that I've been in.

Some things I'm realizing:

• Choosing against your feelings is really, really hard. Knowing that your feelings are lying to you doesn't make the choice any easier.

• Being honest about your failures and living under grace is also really, really hard. Being real and living authentically takes courage ("balls," if you will). I like to beat the grace-drum, but this weekend I was reminded of how hard this can be.

• I need God a lot more than I thought I did.

Go Bucks!

Final Score
Ohio State: 24
Texas: 7

Quote of the Night
"Bevo. It's what's for dinner."

Free Derek Webb CD!!

Um, dude, this is no joke.

Derek Webb is giving away his new(est) CD, Mockingbird, for free. Download it at www.freederekwebb.com.

Check it out. I love this dude's music.

Lost Season 2

Blockbuster finally had the 1st DVD in yesterday.

I watched all 4 episodes in one sitting.

I'm hopelessly addicted.

Shout out to a stranger's blog

This girl that I don't even know said it so perfectly:

"I'm excited to see what God has for tomorrow...how he redeems the brokenness all around me into something far more beautiful than what I ever thought to ask Him for..."

This idea of redeeming what is broken...has been coming up all around me recently. A song I heard in the car today:

"So lay down the sword
And put away the doctrine
Love a little more, love a little more
‘Cause everybody’s broken..."

And something Bev said to me awhile ago...She had just finished pointing out a character issue I have...and, knowing that I'm a mel-head, she qualified her observation with another piece of wisdom that I've held in my pocket ever since: "Don't go to the opposite extreme, now...God doesn't want to change your tendency, He wants to redeem it..."

This reminds me of Craig's stepfather, Jim. He's an ordinary man. Vietnam veteran, a pretty rough-around-the-edges guy. He was the one who taught Craig "guy" things as a kid. How to fix a car, etc. He's retired now, and one of his favorite hobbies is picking up discarded machinery from the side of the road and fixing it up in his garage. Everytime we visit, there's a new piece of soon-to-be-revitalized junk in the garage: a washing machine, a tractor, a lawnmower, etc. Every time Craig and I are driving and we see someone's discarded refrigerator (or whatever) by the side of the road, Craig will say, "We should take that. Jim would fix it."

I guess this is kind of like God's business--it's what he's all about: buying back our broken, garage-sale junk (this who-would-ever-want-this-piece-of-crap-broken-toaster-but-I'm-going-to-put-a-price-on-it-and-see-what-happens junk)...and somehow, miraculously, magically, wonderfully, turning it into something beautiful. That's the business God is in. I don't get it, but it makes me so glad, because I'm one of those broken things that he's bought and is in the process of turning into something worthwhile.

Thanks, Jesus.

the first day back at work after a long weekend always sucks

I must say…I hate getting spam email, but of all the random crap that shows up in my Inbox, this one makes me laugh the most:





I don’t know what my problem is today, but I’m in the crappiest of crappy moods. I mean, grrrr! So if I’ve been mean to you today, I’m sorry. It’s not you. I don’t like myself when I’m like this, either.

And can you believe that the Crocodile Hunter died? I’m sad. We’ll miss you, Steve.

Has it really been 3+ years already?

It hit me recently that the kids to whom I (student) taught 9th grade English are just now beginning their first semesters of college.

Has that much time really passed already? Three years and almost 4 months ago I graduated from college. Shortly after that I got married. Shortly after that we moved to Columbus and started a brand new leg of our life-journey.

A lot has changed since then. I have changed a lot since then.

I heard this song again today, and it made me smile and think of how different my perspective is now, compared to when I was in college.

The bolded lines are my favorites. Not that I'm a Shakespeare "expert," but I did study Shakespeare, and the things I studied and loved about language used to define me quite a bit more than they do now. Makes me smile. :)

After years of expensive education

A car full of books and anticipation

I'm an expert on Shakespeare and that's a hell of a lot

But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought...

(From "Twentysomething" by Jamie Cullum)