self-giving vs. self-protecting

This is kind of random, but I was listening to this song today and reminded of how much I identify with the lyrics.

I am, at the core, a naturally self-protecting person. I've come to see this play out in many areas of my life, though none has revealed it more clearly than my relationship with Craig. Indeed, I had no idea how fiercely committed I was to myself or to what lengths I am willing to go to protect, defend, and insulate myself until I entered into this most intimate of relationships. Intimacy and conflict are inseparable--anyone who says they never argue or have conflict with their significant other is either (a) lying or (b) not very close to that person. To avoid conflict in a relationship is to keep things at a safe enough distance that real intimacy can never happen. Intimacy comes at a price, and the price I have had to pay is my innate desire to protect myself from hurt.

This idea comes up in the Bible a lot, actually. God actually says that this inclination toward self-protection is innate in each one of us, and is part of something the Bible calls our sin nature. Through accepting Christ's payment for our sin, we can receive forgiveness and enter into a relationship with God. When we do that, God gives us a new nature and a new identity--one of the coolest things to me about experiencing this is seeing, for once, another inclination in my heart--an inclination that runs directly contrary to my self-serving sin nature. I still have that default self-serving setting, but there is now something else going on inside, something that wants to give, wants to serve someone else, even at my own expense. There's a continual conflict inside, and there are almost constant opportunities to choose which desire I will follow.

The Bible addresses this conflict a lot--it may even be the heart of the Christian life, the central thing that Christ calls us to do: to resist the urge to serve myself and to instead give myself away in serving love to others.

I know Alanis isn't a Christian, but I found it interesting that this song describes this principle. I guess since we're all made in God's image, we all sense at some level that self-protection will never be as satisfying as self-giving love and the intimacy that comes from it. I can really relate to these lyrics, and need to be reminded of this truth regularly. (The only thing I don't really believe is when she says at the end, "the tendency to want to run feels unnatural now"--I think it will always feel "natural," no matter how long we practice resisting it. It's at the core of our human nature.)

Out Is Through, Alanis Morissette

Every time you raise your voice I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk I picture a different choice
Anytime we're in a rut, this distant grandeur

my tendency to want to do away feels natural
my urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable but I know

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time that I'm confused I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked I'm towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're in stalemate, a final bowing

my tendency to want to hide away feels easier
The immediacy of picturing another place, comforting to go but I know

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits only to start all over again, with somebody else

Every time we're stuck in struggle I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through and I'm damned if I don't,
no quick fix way
What formerly was treatment silent's now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you what I want most feels good and I know

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

jealous?

I am. Here is where my husband is right now.

Sad news

If you're a pray-er, I'd appreciate prayers for my friends Kelly and Erik Steffen. I know Kelly from years ago in college (she was somewhat of a mentor to me, as well as a good friend), and her husband Erik has cancer.

He was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor a little over a year ago, and they have had ups and downs since then, but he's recently taken a very serious turn for the worse.

You can read their updates page for more information. This is really heartbreaking. They are both young (mid-thirties) and have two young children. We've all been praying for a miracle, but at this point I'm praying that God will prepare Kelly for whatever happens.

She's an amazing woman who has suffered a lot of loss in her life (she's lost her father, she lost her (young) sister right before her wedding, just to name a few). I believe that God can and does use suffering to draw us closer to him and to demonstrate his goodness (funny timing, right after my own reflection on the topic of suffering). Pray that they will draw near to Him and receive His comfort during this very difficult time.

Thanks.

Suffering, joy, and the infinite wisdom of God

Yesterday I was sitting upstairs in my favorite spot (old green rocking chair by the window and bookcase) and had an unexpected moment of sweet reflection on the events of the past 12 months and their significance in my life. I don’t know how well I can articulate these thoughts, but I’m going to try, so bear with me.

I was sitting there trying to journal (a habit with which I am NOT good at keeping up), and found myself staring off into space (which is typical) in the direction of my bookcase, and my eyes landed on my big, clunky anxiety book—the one Katharine had me buy last summer when I was trying to get a grip on my anxiety issues and begin the long, painful process of digging into some of the crappy root issues and find some healing. Given the difficult circumstances surrounding my acquisition and use of this book, one might expect there to be an unpleasant association attached to it….perhaps even that looking at it might spark an uncomfortable reaction, an involuntary, internal wince or recoil…perhaps it might carry reminder of weakness, and would therefore be distasteful.

But the very weird thing is that I felt none of these things. In fact, my involuntary reaction was quite the opposite—to call it “peace” is understating it. It was almost like a feeling of unexpected joy. Like when you’re craving ice cream, thinking “man, I wish I had some ice cream, but I’m too lazy to go to the store right now,” and then you realize that you already HAVE ice cream in the freezer. That feeling, like, “Oh! Bonus! Sweet!!” That’s kind of what I felt. Part of me wanted to laugh, breathe a sigh of contentment, and dance all at the same time.

Sounds totally crazy, doesn’t it? I thought so, too, once I sat back and considered it. How completely counterintuitive. Why would I instinctively respond that way to an object that reminds me of such a painful, broken, confusing time in my life? Well, it might be that I really am crazy. Or, maybe it’s something else—something deeper.

During that time, last spring and summer (into early fall), I experienced many very dark moments. I faced fears and insecurities I hadn’t known were there, and had to deal with the hard, dawning realization that they held me in a tight grip, controlling my life in ways I didn’t know how to change. I had never felt so powerless, so vulnerable, or so completely clueless about how to fix the problem. There were days I questioned my sanity.

During one of the most unstable-feeling periods of my adult life, I clung to the only stable thing I knew. I clung to God. I clung to His word. I clung to Christ. That experience taught me (in perhaps a way that no comfortable, painless, happy experience ever could) just how totally, unquestionably, completely, fully, incomparably faithful God is. I experienced the solidness, the firmness, the unshakeable-ness of God when He was absolutely the only thing I was standing on. It’s very difficult to describe in words.

Out of that time, I remember that the one thing I longed for was peace. In the grips of great anxiety, I was experiencing the opposite of peace, and yet the scriptures I read seemed to point to a promise of peace that was foreign to me. I remember reading Romans and coming across Romans 15:13 (inspiration for my blog address J). It says “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” I read that and wondered about the source of Paul’s assurance of peace…how in the world could someone like Paul, who experienced all manner of hardships, speak like that? Near-death beatings, imprisonment, shipwrecks, you name it. And yet his letters in the New Testament are flooded with words like “hope,” “peace,” “joy.” It dawned on me—he must be finding peace in something other than his circumstances. Perhaps there’s something to this…hmmm…

The more I read of Paul, the more I noticed that whenever he talked about hope and peace, he was also talking about Christ. If he wasn’t looking to his circumstances…could it be that he was looking to Christ? Ah-ha! Suddenly, I noticed it everywhere I read! It was even there, buried in that little Romans verse I had been rereading daily and holding to like a security blanket…”…as you trust in Him…” Wow! What does it look like to trust in Christ instead of my circumstances? That’s a big question, the answer to which I only began to discover during that time, and have been discovering more and more ever since. Paul put all his chips on Christ—trusting Him for his identity, his approval, his purpose, everything. Inch by inch, I began to practice doing the same, and little by little, I began to experience freedom from the fears that had been crippling me. I realized that trusting in Christ and trusting in God’s promises was an act of faith, not just a feeling of trust. It required action on my part. When I came up against situations that pitted my feelings against some truth that God promised me, I had a choice about which one I would act on. If I was afraid to speak up about something, out of fear I’d lose someone’s approval, I had a choice—hold back, putting my chips on that fear, or speak up anyway, trusting that God’s approval of me is real and secure and matters more than someone else’s opinion. As I began to more and more put my chips on God, my fears began to fade and my confidence in God began to grow. (a previous blog lists some specific verses that were particularly impactful to me during that time.)

Maybe it’s a little bit like learning to ride a bike. At first, you look at that unstable-looking machine and think, “There’s no way in hell that thing is going to hold me up. No freaking way am I ever getting on it.” And as long as you’re sitting still on it, it won’t. Well, that’s an imperfect analogy, because God is faithful even when we don’t trust him, but the feeling of actually riding the bike is what it’s like to actually experience God’s faithfulness by acting on it, instead of just knowing about it intellectually.

Anyway, this has gotten very long, but it’s hard to explain how something hard and painful can be remembered with a sense of joy and hope without talking about Christ and the inexplicable sense of security and rest that comes from trusting Him instead of trusting myself and my circumstances.

So anyway, back to the beginning…I sat there for I don’t know how long, looking at that book and talking to God, marveling over his wisdom. He promises to work all things for the good of those who love him…that can sound very trite and very mean when you’re in the midst of suffering. But afterward, on the other side, it’s clear that it’s beautifully true. That anxiety book is a reminder of the closeness I felt to God during that time. It was an intimacy like I had never experienced with him, and which I’ve experienced to a much lesser degree since. Why the decline? Part of it is probably just my laziness—when things are going well, it’s so easy to go back to just functioning and maintaining.

But I wonder if another part of it is just human nature—maybe we will really only turn to God once everything else has failed us. Maybe this is one of the reasons that God allows suffering…because in his wisdom he knows that it’s one of the only ways that we will ever turn our whole hearts to him, and subsequently one of the only ways that we will ever be able to experience the sweetness of deep intimacy with him….or experience the solidness of his faithfulness…or experience him deeply at all.

That’s food for thought. It made me shut my mouth in awe yesterday, reveling in the beauty of God’s wisdom that is so much deeper than mine.

Video

Our digital camera can record short videos, but I've never known how to share them online until now, so I'm just playing around with it.

Here's a snippet from a softball game last summer. We have a friend named Chris Faulkner, but everyone just calls him "Faulkner." When my friend Heather's daughter, Claire, was learning to talk, her version of "Faulkner" sounded an awful lot like the f-word. (Now it sounds more like f*cker, but I haven't gotten a good video of that yet :)) Here's a little clip of when we tried to get her to say "Faulkner"...

heavy!

FYI, that mofo is 7.2 lbs, according to my bathroom scale. Jeez. That's a whole lotta learnin' 'tween those covers!!

Finished product

OMG Becky. Look. at. that. book. It is sooooo big!

Well, we finally have a TWE. A year later, the tangible result of our blood (from all the paper cuts), sweat (from all the heated conversations with vendors and others), and tears (many of these, especially at the beginning).

And it's freaking heavy. I hope that our Biology teachers moonlight as body builders.

Do you ever sit in front of a computer screen so long that your eyes literally feel like they’re falling out of your head? I’m feeling like that today.

Prototyping, verb

Main Entry: pro·to·type Pronunciation Guide
Function: noun
Etymology: French, from Greek prototypon, from neuter of prototypos archetypal, from prt- + typos type
Date: 1552
1 : an original model on which something is patterned : ARCHETYPE
2 : an individual that exhibits the essential features of a later type
3 : a standard or typical example
4 : a first full-scale and usually functional form of a new type or design of a construction (as an airplane)

I didn’t find an entry of this word used as a verb, so that must be a corporate jargon-thing. If I were Webster, this would be my verb entry:

Main Entry: pro·to·type Pronunciation Guide
Function: verb
1 : to create a prototype; to spend one’s time and creative energy constructing a preliminary sample of a product
2 : to present this preliminary sample to one’s higher-ups to receive their feedback
3 : to go back and make changes to the prototype based on the input of one’s bosses
4 : continue #2–3 cycle. rinse. repeat until approved by management; sometimes this requires the prototyper to make circular changes. For example:

1st pass: ["This prototype has no teaching cycle. Add one. “The 5 Es” is a good one, use that."]
2nd pass: ["What are all of these Es doing all over the page? This is stupid. Remove them."]
3rd pass: ["Where is the teaching cycle? Didn’t we talk about the 5 Es? Where are the 5 Es?"]
4th pass: ["God, these Es are hideous. And what are they doing here? This does not work. Never mind the teaching cycle. Get rid of these God awful Es, please, before I throw up.”]
Finished product: [From our competitors: ”Why would you want to buy their product? They don’t even have a teaching cycle. Absolute nonsense. Suggest using this product for kindling. Buy ours—see our beautiful 5 Es?”]

5 : although the #2–3 cycle often requires several passes and dramatic changes, these changes often cycle back to ideas in the original prototype. For example:

1st pass: [“I know that you like simple interleaf pages, so I limited them to two. See how simple and clean they are?” boss: “Yeah, they’re clean, but are they useful? Where’s the teacher support? Backward mapping? Differentiated Instruction? These are non-negotiables! Isn’t usefulness more important than page numbers? Your priorities are all wrong….”]
2nd pass: [“Six interleaf pages?! You’ve got to be kidding me! What is all this stuff, anyway? Do we need all this?” prototyper: “Yes, these are…” boss: “Clean pages, we need clean pages. Why is all this stuff here?” prototyper: “Well, backward mapping took two pages, another two for differentiated instruction…” boss: “Who told you to add all that? I want clean pages, I tell you. Clean.”]
3rd pass: [“Two pages! Perfect! See, I told you you could do it. This is why I’m the boss and you’re not. You have much to learn.”]

synonym: see TORTURE

Prototyping is one of those things that most people find…how do you say?...unenjoyable. I think the only reason someone would go through it more than once is because the thrill of finishing a project gives one a sense of selective amnesia, not unlike the experience of childbirth, where the feeling of joy so overshadows the recent horror that one might actually consider entering willingly into the experience a second time.

I must be crazy, because I’m prototyping this week and actually enjoying it right now. Of course, that will probably change once it comes time to show it to the bosses and brace myself for the onslaught of voices and opinions and direction-that’s-not-really-direction. For now, I’m cutting and pasting and trying to have some fun.