Checkers

Two years ago, during a game of checkers, I saw a glimpse of myself in a four-year-old girl. It brought me to a stunning realization of my own ignorance and foolishness when relating to God, as well as the loving patience He shows when relating to me.

The little girl was the daughter of a friend of mine, and I was at her house watching the kids. Caylee and I were playing checkers. Being four years old, Caylee didn't really understand the game of checkers, but she really wanted to play. I coached her through the general rules, which (I've got to hand it to her) she remembered about 1/2 the time. But as hard as she tried, she could never quite see the big picture. A couple different times, I deliberately put myself in position to be double- or triple- jumped, thinking she'd enjoy the thrill of making that kind of move. However, even with a killer move like that right in front of her, she could never see it. So, I'd point it out to her, exactly where she could move her piece if she wanted to remove two or three of my pieces from the board. Once I showed her, she'd grin with excitement and make the move. What really cracked me up, however, was the smug way she would gloat afterward. "I just took three of your guuuuuuys...that's cuz I'm good and you're not...You're gonna loooose...." Who did she think she was kidding? I stifled back a smile and feigned humble acknowledgment of her superior game playing.

Now, because I wanted to help her learn the game (and not just let her clobber me over and over), I didn't always make it so easy on her. I sometimes jumped one or two of her pieces (of course, I let most of those opportunites go by, but every so often, I'd take one). And oh, how she would sulk! It was hard for me not to laugh--I wanted to pick her up and squeeze her with hugs and say, "Silly girl, it's just a game! You really have no chance of winning if I don't let you win, so it's really quite ridiculous for you to be either proud or sullen about it. Just enjoy the game!"

But really, what a picture of my own heart! When I "succeed," I puff out my chest and feel so proud of my accomplishments....and when I fail, I hang my head and want to die of humiliation...All the while, I think God is laughing, wanting to spin me around and remind me of Who, exactly, is in charge...remind me of what exactly it means that He is the vine and I am the branches...("apart from Me, you can do nothing"...John 15)...remind me that, if I win, it's because He's letting me win...and if I lose, I really haven't lost anything. The feeling that the whole game somehow depends on my cleverness and prowess..well, that's kind of an illusion, isn't it? I'm just like a four-year-old playing checkers with a grown-up.

I can't stop listening to this song by the David Crowder Band. Lately, I've been feeling more on the losing end of that checkers game, and I've been pretty deeply stuck in some self-pity about it. I've been stared in the face with all of the ways I've been falling short and blowing it, and I've been hanging my head like Caylee after a double-jump. But the words of this song have been very uplifting to me. Somehow, he captures the reality of humanity's fallenness, while at the same time drawing attention to who God is, and that's a beautiful picture to me. It doesn't make sense to try to sugar-coat and cover up the darkness we find in our own hearts. That would be like me trying to convince Caylee that she really is the best checkers player in the world, because that's what she wants to believe. But that's just self-deception. The beauty of the gospel is that we are helpless, we are guilty, and we are without hope when we look to ourselves for the answers...and yet, God is there with His arms open wide, offering us Himself as the answer to our deepest need. Wow.

Wholly Yours, David Crowder Band

I am full of earth, You are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
And You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me, You are divinity

What a certain sign of grace is this:
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt...

Chorus:
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries holy, holy God
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like You are

You are everything that is bright and clean
And You're covering me with Your majesty

And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down,
Liberating man...

Chorus:
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries holy, holy God
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like You are

But the harder I try, the more clearly can I
Feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing:
Your grandness in me, making me clean...

Glory, hallelujah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries holy, holy, God
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy, holy God
So here I am, all of me, finally everything
Holy, holy, holy
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly Yours
I am wholly Yours

And I am full of earth and dirt and You...
Here I am...
Everything...