I just want to understand

As much I am addicted to personality tests, I’m starting to feel sick of them lately. Yesterday, Bev told me that I’m definitely more of a choleric than a melancholy. That threw me for a loop (and I think she might be wrong), because I’ve always been a melancholy-phlegmatic—all of the tests say so. I’ve always thought of myself and understood myself in melancholic terms. As she was talking, I recognized some of the choleric characteristics as being true of me, but now I’m all confused and I feel like I no longer know what box to put myself in. Obviously, I mean that a little tongue-in-cheek, because taking the categories too far can be just as unhelpful as ignoring personality differences altogether. I’ve taken enough personality tests over the years, that I think I’ve got myself mostly pegged. So without using type indicators (mel-phleg, ISTJ, etc.), here are a list of things about myself that I don’t need a test to tell me:

General:

• I like to feel in control.
• I tend to get into ruts and have difficulty finding my way out of them.
• I struggle with change.
• I’m analytical.
• I’m detail-oriented and have great difficulty seeing the big picture; I “can’t see the forest for the trees.”
• I tend to see things as black and white rather than in shades of gray; I take things literally and at face-value. When you say something to me, I usually don’t spend time thinking, “Now what did she mean by that?”
• I’m both messy and orderly. My thoughts are orderly, my surroundings tend to be messy (although the mess bothers me and I prefer for things to be neat, I still tend to be messy. I don’t get that one.).
• It’s typically easy for me to be content, as long as things in my life are consistent and predictable.
• I'm more rigid than I am easygoing.

People:

• Kind words mean a lot to me, and make me feel loved more than anything else.
• I’m a peacemaker; I don’t like conflict, I prefer to resolve it straightforwardly, and I enjoy helping others resolve conflict.
• I’m a people-pleaser; If I think someone is upset with me or doesn’t like me, I’ll spend an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to figure out ways to win their approval.
• Time with people tends to drain me, while time alone tends to recharge me.
• I feel uncomfortable and awkward around strangers. It’s hard for me to make new friends, and I prefer the company of people I already know well.
• I often feel the need to “fix” things, people, and situations. If I see a problem, my brain tries to find a solution.
• However, identifying problems still comes more quickly and naturally than finding solutions (ie. I can be critical and negative, complaining, etc.)
• I enjoy trying to understand people, and I enjoy helping others understand each other.
• I tend to see people as a means to an end, rather than an end in themselves, to be enjoyed (I don’t like this about myself, but I think it’s true).
• Because I’m a people-pleaser, I can be sensitive to criticism; I try to be sensitive to others’ feelings for the same reason (I don’t want to piss anyone off).
• However, for some reason, I can be impatient when I feel that others are being overly sensitive. “Solving the problem” is sometimes more important to me in the moment than understanding the other person’s feelings. Inside, I often think, “Why can’t you just get over this so we can get to the real issue and deal with it?” These two leanings are often in conflict within me.
• Perhaps the previous two bullets are why I can sometimes be very diplomatic and concise when addressing an issue, and yet other times I can be very passionate, fired-up, extreme, and irrational. Sometimes I’m cool-headed and logical, other times I express strong feelings that may not even be rooted in reality, but instead rooted in my narrow “trees” perspective.

Productivity:

• I like categories (this list is one example—it started out as one big list, then I got overwhelmed and put them under headings). I think they help me keep my thoughts straight, rather than getting bogged down and overwhelmed by details.
• I value timeliness.
• I need structure to help me function.
• I’m not good at creating structure, however. If someone else creates it, I will implement/follow it, to a fault sometimes.
• I prefer to know what’s going on (have a schedule, agenda, etc.) and spontaneity is difficult for me.
• Thinking “on the fly” and switching gears are also difficult for me; When I get moving on a task, I’m more like a freight train than a sports car.
• I don’t like things to be open-ended, and I feel anxious until a decision has been made.
• However, I have difficulty making decisions myself and tend to rely on others to help me make them.
• What others find mundane and tedious, I typically find comforting and relaxing. It takes a long time for me to get bored with something.

Anyway, that's me as I see me. If you see something different, tell me. I'm always trying to figure things out and understand, and maybe that's part of my problem. Maybe that's part of what Bev's always telling me, about how I fear being misunderstood. Maybe someday I'll figure out why that is and learn to get over it. In the meantime, you've just found out more about me than you probably cared to know :)