Chuck Norris Fun Facts

Someone rediscovered this list today at work. It's worth hours of ridiculous entertainment. I don't know who decided that Chuck Norris was the biggest badass in the world, but these are funny. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
2. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
5. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
6. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
8. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
9. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
10. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
12. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
13. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
14. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
15. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
16. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
17. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
18. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
19. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
20. Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

Oh, and there are so many more--this is just a small sample.